Last Teen Year

The Christian Depression

2010-05-24T16:40:00.002+08:00

My LORD, how shall I dispel my hurt?
Where shall I release my anguish?
If I am not to sully the image of another, who will hear my pain?
If I keep these things within me,
How will my problems be solved?
From whom shall I seek my solution?
My tears might fall, but still the swell of bitterness lies within my heart and soul.

When I seek, I sometimes not find.
When I ask, I don't necessarily get an answer.
Sometimes I'm afraid to knock; what if I do and there's no one there?
But one thing I can open is the Bible.
One place I can find the answer is my heart where you reside.
I close my eyes for even without them I see you.
My memories, my present, my future.
I see you.
You are indeed my everlasting God.

Again I am faced with a conflicting heart and mind LORD.
My heart wants, but my mind convinces it otherwise.
Heart and mind find satisfaction in different things.
Do I bring it up or leave it?
You take first place in our loves, yet how can we say everything else is not important?
You'll provide, that I know, yet... what if we yearn for more?
How could we decide?

I face uncertainty every single day
A day spent without communication with you happens often.
It's so convenient, yet Prayer is the most natural and normal response for a heart that is dependent on God.
Tell me LORD, what do you say?

The Christian Depression

2010-05-24T16:33:00.002+08:00

Will you answer if I call?
Will you dry my tears?
Dare I lift up a prayer of risk?
Dare I try to please?
How will I know if you will answer, how long must I wait and try?
Rejection will hurt me more than never asking.
My spirit is weak but grows weaker from fear.
Dare I boast of your goodness in front of others? What if they don't believe?
Will you present yourself if I beg?
Your Will I know not.
I fear for my future even though I know you've got it planned.
What drives this fear in me?
How do I silence this negative thought?
How can I cultivate spiritual peace?

LORD, I tremble when you seem so far, I shiver when you don't seem near.
LORD, I want to hide in your loving embrace, yet I can't run into your arms.
I know I'm not clean enough for you, I'm not that pure child you want.
I know that you'll never forsake me, yet I feel it's somewhere down the line.
How can I defend you in another's defiance when I can't find you in myself?
How will you teach me what to say if I refuse to be that student?
My heart sinks deeper with each day, my sorrow now a friend.
I hide my inequities with a front, I fear I might forget it's not me.
Will you have me be this way?
I fear the pain of change.
How now shall I move forward?
Please light my path.
It's dark in my world tonight...

The Christian Depression

2010-05-24T16:26:00.003+08:00

How will you find comfort when the world critisizes you?
How will you cure your heartache when the ones you love turn away from you?
What will you do if they leave you?
What if you were abandoned?
How will you find security?
Where will you seek solence?
How will you pray?
Where will you find the strength to?
Where will the motivation come from?

I was arrogant... so incredibly arrogant.
Who was I to comment on the traits of those and claim they were found wanting?
Presented with temptation, can I turn away?
Hypocrite I was, hypocrite I still am...
Hypocrite I am forever striving not to be.
Now I have not the right to critisize, now I have not the right to comment.
I feel my Lord is displeased with me, yet, I don't know for sure. Maybe I don't want to know.
I want to blame another, yet the only one I can blame is myself.
I'm worthless, yet I'm precious.
Has anything ever been so conflicting?
The Christian depression I'm going through...
This depression I'm in...
How will I get out?

Nothing to Lose

2008-09-05T11:40:00.003+08:00

Of all people, I should know the frailties of human living.
Of all people, I should understand emotions and what kind of role they play.
Of all people, I should be more patient and loving to those around me.

Really.

I've got nothing to lose from being nice.
I've got nothing to lose from being loving.
I've got nothing to lose from being there for someone.

I believe everything is sort of an exchange.
Like...
You 'lose' something, like money, but you make up for it in feeling good.
You 'lose' time, but you get to see a friend blossom
You feel your heart breaking, but then you got someone to mend it for you, and the special thing about it is that it always comes back better than before.
By the way, that 'someone' who mends broken hearts is none other than God, my Lord Almighty.
El-Shaddai.
If you want to learn about Him or want Him to mend your heart, give me a call.
He already know who you are...
He's just waiting for you to come.

My Mom Hates Me

2008-08-25T10:41:00.003+08:00

It's really no secret.

I can't even recall the last time she smiled or said anything nice or positive to me.

I think she thinks I'm worthless.
And I'm not too affected by it any longer.

Am I being a pathetic, whiny, attention-deprived kid?

No... I don't think so.
Just look at how she talks to anyone and everyone else.
Not a tinge of anger or impatience in her voice.

When she talks to me, it's nothing but anger and disgust.

Any cheery 'Hello' from me is answered with an accusation, warning or scolding.

Anyway, why should I care anymore?
I'm 22.
I don't need affection from her to be self-assured.
It'll be nice to have.
It'll be nice to have her be civil to me.
But it's not necessary.

You want me to be independent and strong?
I can be.
But just don't limit my ability to do so.
If you can't stand my presence, you should have just packed me off to Australia a long time ago.
It's still not too late.
Then I won't be such a 'disgrace' to you.
(you don't even use that word on people you hate, but you've used it on me)
Then I won't be such a burden.
Then you won't ever have any fights with Dad and blame it on me.

Then I won't have my heart broken till I can hardly feel emotion anymore.

You think I'm arrogant?
I'm forced to be, to preserve my sanity and self-worth.
You think I take things for granted?
When was the last time I asked you for anything that you actually helped me with without bearing a grudge?
You think I go out a whole lot?
I want to keep the house peaceful.
I don't want to get picked on even while reading a book.
You're happier anyway...

Don't like me taking the car?
If you had to practically pay for everything on your own, you'll try to scrimp and save every penny too.
Think I'm an idiot for giving a friend a lift?
You're ignoring the fact that I've only done it a few times while he does it almost daily.

Oh...
You never see my intentions anyway...
You just think of me negatively.

Think I value my friends more?
Just read the above.

After all of this.
Don't blame me for anything anymore.
If you have issues with me, I can't help that.
I refuse to feel guilty when it's not my fault, when you refuse to listen, when you never ask.

I'm not sorry.

Remember me this way

2008-07-14T16:56:00.003+08:00

If I should die before I wake...

Play this song for me...

"Remember me this way" - Jordan Hill

Every now and then, we find a special friend, who never lets us down
(To these friends of mine, I've already spoken to... you know how precious you are to me, you made a difference in my life... you gave me a life worth living)

Who understands it all, reaches out each time you fall, you're the best friend that I've found
(This is true for so many of you, especially Esther...)

I know you can't stay, but part of you will never ever go away, your heart will stay
(We have parted, but in my heart, in my soul, I'll remember you, wherever I may go)

I'll make a wish for you, and hope it will come true
(You'll be in my prayers, just like you always have been)

That life will just be kind, so such a gentle mind
(Don't ever give up or despair...never...)

If you lose your way, think back on yesterday, remember me this way...
(Remember the times we shared, the good and bad that happened. We made it through all that.)

I know you can't see, the love you bring to me, no matter where I go
(With you, I felt loved and special... always...)

I know you'll be there, forevermore a part of me you're everywhere
(I'm not afraid of what lies ahead because you've built me up to be brave)

I'll always care

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
(I'll always look out for you, I'll only want the best for you)

I'll be standing by your side in all you do
(No matter what you decide to do, which path you decide to take, I'll support you all the way)

And I won't ever leave, as long as you believe.
(Nothing you can do could make me turn away from you, unless you want me to)

On the Source

2008-06-14T09:12:00.002+08:00

Have you ever felt like you should be happy,
that life is going the way it ought to,
that you have everything you need...

Yet... at the same time feel that something is missing?

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm being really ungrateful for my blessings.
I ask myself why I'm searching for more when I've already got it all.

I seek to know my God more,
but at times, the more I seek, the further away He seems.

I've been assured time and time again that God is there no matter what.
I know it.

One of my favourites would probably be...

When adverse circumstances come into your life, be assured that He is still there - just keep your eyes on the Source, not on the circumstances.

Sometimes....
I don't even know what to think....

Ouch

2008-06-10T12:44:00.002+08:00

You know what?

Sometimes...
What you want and what's good for you is not the same.

And man...

That bloody hurts.

Discipline

2008-06-07T12:39:00.001+08:00

You know what?

The difference between success and failure is Discipline.

So much easier said than done...

Peer Pressure

2008-05-14T10:54:00.002+08:00

We always give the excuse,
"It was peer pressure that caused me to... ..."

- Smoke
- Steal
- Lie
- Have sex
- Cut
- Tattoo myself (which I still think is something one would only derive short-term benefits from and will regret in the long-term)

Take your pick.
The list is endless.

Now...

What about saying the opposite for a change?

"It was peer pressure that made me NOT...."

- Smoke
- Steal
- Lie
- Have sex
- Cut
- Tattoo myself (oh silly ye who will regret when your body starts to lose it's fight with gravity)

I think I identify more with the latter.

Is this whole 'peer pressure' issue a conformist thing?
A 'follow the norm', 'be part of the majority' thing?

One thing though...

If people think the action is negative...
It's all due to peer pressure...
If the action is deemed positive...
It was thanks to support from peers...

Now...
Tell me that's not biased.

Save me?

2008-04-29T12:08:00.002+08:00

With exams so close and preparations not complete...
Where can one find the time to save the world?

Honestly...
Are all superheros academically brilliant?

They seem to live only to fight and use their powers for good.
How did they do in school?
How do they cope in school?
(ok... not just teen-aged heroes...)
What about having to work late nights in the office?

"I'm sorry... really want to save you, but I got to get this complete by tonight or I'll get fired!"

Oh sorrow...

Morality and Sense...

2008-04-16T13:50:00.002+08:00

When does good sense become hard to follow?

When are your morals questioned?

I've learnt that you only know about yourself through interaction with others.
Like...
It's easy to say... "I'm slow to anger...I'm patient..."
Yet...
It's only through interacting with others that you really know how patient and slow to anger you are.
It's only then you are tested.

Now...
I'm a pretty sensible person (at least I'd like to think so)
I've got a steady moral code instilled in me by my parents and years in church...
Yet...
I'm actually starting to question these morals and sensibilities.

It really is a test in the real world now.
Away from the classroom.
I could say I'm struggling...
But this struggle is more with my justifying my thoughts and actions than anything.
Oh heck...
It's really not as easy as it seemed from inside the sanctuary of the church... :(

Instant Gratification vs Delayed Gratification

2008-04-07T23:05:00.002+08:00

In almost any instance that I can think of...
Delayed gratification would seem far sweeter.

One thing though...
It only seems better on hindsight.
Like...
I won't be fully grateful for something till way down the road when I reflect upon it.

I think I'm easily motivated...
But not by others.
It has got to be from the results of my own effort.
Kinda anal... come to think of it.
I'm a sucker for self-satisfaction...
(Gawd... that sounds so wrong!)

Anyway...
Sometimes... I think I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
Blessed?
Very.
I've got wonderful people in my life that I'm never ever tired of seeing and whom I'm always missing, regardless of how little time it has been since we last met.

Cheers to you Lord!

Fabricity

2008-03-29T11:34:00.003+08:00

FABRICITY!

Your latest online shopping fix for your sweet and sophisticated casual days!

Hit 'Shop here' under my links to give the site a look-through...

Quite a few things are happening in life now.
Not that I'm complaining...
I'm happy.
For a heck load of reasons...

Basically... I feel so darn blessed by God that I wish that everyone would feel the joy I feel.

Anyway... do check Fabricity out...
So excited about the photography...

Compromise?

2008-03-24T08:40:00.002+08:00

Life is about compromise...

Heck... let's get straight to the point.

Relationships are all about compromise.
And why not?
It is about two totally separate people trying to integrate their lives.
This is made easy (at the beginning) because of a total infatuation with each precious other.
Then it potentially starts to drain...

What if you're still at the 'integrate' portion or mashing portion?
Or even before that?

You're constantly in a state of anxiety.
You're not too familiar with that other person...yet...
There is tension in the air.
Heck... even if there was a vacuum, there'll be tension.

You question and self-analyse every move...every word...

Ok... I'm moving to sound like a love-struck missy...

But my main question...

When is it too much of a compromise?

How much are you willing to ignore about the other person?
How tolerant are you willing to be?
How tolerant should you be?

Hopefully... the answers will come soon enough...

Falling...

2008-03-15T23:29:00.002+08:00

I'm falling...

How high a height?
I have no clue.
Is it good or bad?
I know yet not.

Do I have a chute?
Yes yes... I think I do.

Somehow...
I'm comforted.
I won't hit the ground.
I have open arms to fall into.
A giant air-pillow of silk even...

I call this...
An adventure...

Line

2008-03-07T12:30:00.002+08:00

A line.
Thin and never visible.
Yet...
It's presence is that of the Greatest Wall.

Now...
Will you be brave and toe the line?
Will you cautiously approach?
Or...
Will you attempt that frightening leap across it?

I'll usually always choose to leap.
Yet, this time...
I'm happy just toeing it.
I wonder why?

Panic

2008-02-27T10:52:00.003+08:00

Do you know what panic is?

It is a state of mind when you realise that you've got no escape routes.
It's an extreme sense of reality when you realise that you've only got one chance and no other.
It's a time when your mind wants to run away from the problem at hand.
It's when you see time flying by and yet your body seems suspended in a movement-hindering gel.
It's a feeling of constant anxiety when you just want to cling on to the nearest stable living-thing to save yourself.

Now you get what being in a panic is to me...
(If it's not exactly what you think panic is... I'm usually a relatively calm person)

In any case...
I'm in it.

Upon reflecting...
There seems to be some good coming from it.
Your mind goes into this auto-prioritise mode.
Also, it suddenly becomes really easy to drop activities that seemed life-and-death a second ago.
Let's not forget being auto-focused as well.

Say... maybe this panic-mode is a good thing...

Craft...Art?

2008-02-22T09:47:00.004+08:00

FINALLY...

Complete!

I managed to turn this...

Into these!

Happy B'day Mindy!
Now...
If only I can actually give it to her soon...

Cat & Dog Theology

2008-02-21T13:49:00.002+08:00

Dog:
"You feed me, shelter me, pet me, love me..."
"You must be GOD!"

Cat:
"You feed me, shelter me, pet me, love me..."
"I must be GOD!"

Never quite saw it that way before today...
Heck...
It's really something to think about.
Applies to bringing up a kid too...

Into Your World...

2008-02-14T10:28:00.003+08:00

Pain comes in many forms and from different sources.
It can come straight to the middle of the soul.
It can come as a persistent irritant in your mind.
(Of course, let's not forget physical pain...)

Sometimes...
It comes indirectly.

I'm happy now.
I'm settled...

What hurts the most now is that I see others in pain around me.

It'll be less painful to take the pain upon myself than to see them going through it.

Is it courage?
Sometimes...I think it's the lack of it.
Is it thoughtfulness?
Sometimes I think it's the opposite.

I feel helpless sometimes because I might feel their pain, but I've got no idea what's causing it.
Do I have the right to press them to share when they automatically don't?
I try to let them know I'm there for them, though I do it very subtly...
Maybe they can't decipher my nudges?

I won't be so bold to say that I can solve anything and everything...
What I can offer is my attention and potentially another perspective.
I can help sort out the clutter.

Will you be willing to let me a little into your world?
I'll come bearing offerings of peace...

Dance...

2008-02-06T00:04:00.000+08:00

I miss dance.

It always provided a beautiful reason to prance around the place.

It trained all my muscles and I've always enjoyed knowing that I had good control of them.

The best part is... I was good at it.

Now...
I get this physical pain when I think of all that I've given up.
I can safely say that dance is a passion of mine.

Argh...
I miss it!

Unpacking to Pack

2008-02-02T10:50:00.000+08:00

Grr...
Slept at 3.45-ish am, only to be woken up at 8am...again!
Just to run an errand...
It happened the day before too...
I'm so sleep-deprived now... (can't fall back asleep once I get up)

Another day trying... TRYING to pack.
My room is filled with piles of stuff.
On the bed, floor, couch, table...
It gets quite trying to navigate through all that stuff in the dark.

I take about a million years to pack mainly because everytime I try,
instead of clearing those piles, I kind of transfer each pile from place to place,
Packing a little at a time so that the pile grows smaller, but never fully disappears.
Then doing that takes so much time and effort, that I permit myself an ill-deserved break,
and put the whole idea of packing on-hold.

Then again,
When I have loads of stuff on my mind,
I tend to want to pack.
I go through the mess like an unrelentless force.
Not stopping till the whole place smells of cleaning chemicals and sparkles from the lack of obstruction.
It's a psychological thing...
An action-manifestation from all that mental clutter.
Useful though.

OK...
Exams are sooooo near,
BUT... CNY is nearer!
Heh...

From the very depths of my heart,
I pray for guidance, patience, strength and wisdom...

Who?

2008-02-01T09:52:00.000+08:00

Sometimes...
I get worried about opening myself up to someone.

It's always in the extreme.
I want to facilitate and initiate a kind of bond or closeness...
So I share something personal.

The conversation can't be one-sided now can it?

Now...
It's a matter of knowing who I can really trust...
:(

Question what you believe in...

2008-01-29T12:54:00.000+08:00

If you don't question what you believe in,
The theory will easily fall at the touch of a contradiction.

If you don't question what you believe in,
It'll never have the strength of a conviction.

If you don't question what you believe in,
How will you convince another?

If you don't question what you believe in,
You'll never be willing to defend your stand.

If you don't question what you believe in,
Why believe?

-Michilli-

Sometimes I find myself questioning my faith.
Like...
"What makes me so sure that Christianity is not some world governmental; propaganda; brilliant marketing, form of human control?"

Used to feel very guilty and dirty about it.

But ALWAYS...
After praying and speaking to God about it,
He comforts me and reassures me.

No... don't go thinking that it's some self-serving bias that all happens in my mind.
He reveals a little more of Himself to me when I ask.
He knows me (that I find anything that's not backed-up by scientific, empirical truth, hard to believe)
And He provides me with those truths.
He appeals to my logic and reasoning, not to my fantasy-tended nature.

So whenever I start to question and doubt,
My faith becomes stronger.

Man and Science are not reliable.
We are limited by so many things, including what we call technology (be it advanced or not).

This we can see everyday.

One day, it's "Caffeine is Good for You!"...
The next day, it's "Caffeine is Bad"...

One Century, it's "The Sun goes around the Earth..."
The next, it's "The Earth orbits the Sun...and heyy... there are other planets too! I'd have never guessed!"

One millennium, it's "The world is flat, don't fall off the edge..."
The next, it's "Know what? The flat plate is really a globe...Gawd..."

Bottomline...
Nothing is reliable...
Not humans, not science.
The proof is that it keeps changing.
How sad to believe in one thing your entire lifetime, only to find out that it's been a lie.
(works that way in a relationship too)

These things are highly disappointing.

One thing that has NEVER changed all these thousands of years?
The Bible.
Pure and Simple.

So...
Question what you believe in.
You don't want your whole belief system to come crashing upon you one day...

"...a wise man that built his house upon a rock, And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and they beat upon that house, and it fell not, for it was founded on a rock."
Matthew 7: 15-29

Why so affected?

2008-01-26T10:26:00.000+08:00

That IS the way Media writing works...
By right... I should not be affected at all.
Well...there are many ways to look at it.

What is it I'm affected by?
My performance during the IVP Finals against NUS.
So far...
Every article I've read about that match has not cast a flattering light upon my abilities as a GK.

Seriously.
I can quote a few... just for show (and to piss myself off more)

"But SIM’s keeper was not as great as them. Luck was on their side despite the keeper was a dazed at the rolling ball that missed the goal by a mere acute angle"

"It was a shot that came from the half line that left the keeper a dazed"

"...after driving towards the middle, hit a rising shot through the hands of SIM keeper Michelle Tan for the first goal of the game."

"...with a terrific shot that went past a lot of bodies and right through the hands of the unsighted SIM goalie."

The quotes were taken from articles by Nurul Ain (NovusAUm) and Leslie Tan (RedSports).
I'm guessing they are not GKs and their perspective of the game was simply from a Player's point-of-view.

Why am I so affected by the articles then?

I mean, of course I've got reasons for doing what I did.

A rolling ball a little too far to stretch-reach but close enough to the goal it seems?
>> Gk should have stepped up to get it right?
Not if the players from the other team are too close for comfort.
2 simple, one-touch, passes from them would have resulted in a goal! (this I learnt from experience)
Plus... I've got brilliant defenders (ok... some brilliant defenders) who could/would set up the ball for attack better than I can.

That's only one example...

When I'm unsure of the playing style of the other team or when I'm playing a team I've never seen play...
I tend to stay closer to my post.
Safer... just because I cannot and will not rely on sheer physical mass to do all the blocking.
It's really about reading the play, the players, and using your strengths to compensate for any weaknesses.
Some matching is involved here as well...
How best to complement your team and be a more terrible threat to the other team.

Of course I'm not saying that I'm a brilliant GK.
I do make mistakes (more than I'd like to admit)
In fact, there are times I wished that I could re-play that whole game, just so I could do better.
Especially with the penalty.

On hindsight... I should feel honoured that I'm even mentioned (usually only the really good or the really bad are mentioned eh..?)
Afterall, covered from head to toe on-court...
GKs are simply the last line of defence right?

NO.

At least not from the way I see it...

Need It...

2008-01-25T09:28:00.000+08:00

I think I get bored really quickly...

Might explain why I never really bothered with toys as a kid.
I would abandon Barbie after toying around with her hair for a bit, then head on outdoors to build a 'zoo' out of wooden benches and deck chairs (or whatever I could find), then unceremoniously plonk all the rabbits, chicks, dogs, ducks (whatever animal that was available then) into those enclosures.

Yeap

I preferred my playtimes to be totally unpredictable and ever-changing (you never can guess what an animal is going to do next can you?)

I miss those days.

I miss the beaches as well.
Till now, when I get really stressed out, a trip to the seaside or supermarket makes me feel so much better. I get my comfort by returning to my childhood 'favourite places'. The whole pet stretch at Serangoon North (where I used to live) counts as well.

I'm not exactly stressed right now...
In fact, life is a break at this point in time.
But still...
I miss the beach... need it.
Or at the very least... need to visit the supermarket... :)

La Di Dah

2008-01-14T11:00:00.000+08:00

Life is pretty much 'the same' right now...
Rather la di dah.

La di dah?
Meaning... neither totally boring that it's threatening mental retardation, nor terribly exciting that I'm going to bed with anticipation, impatient for daylight to arrive.

I'm also getting quite irritated with a certain someone who does not seem to understand that being single is NOT a crime!
It's a freakin chosen status!
I have my pride you know...

In any case, the exams are nearing... again...
Quite sad that I've got to cancel a promising trip to Bkk this march :(
BUMMER!

Right...
Semi-finals coming up tonight.
Against NTU...
Fighting chance I'd say.
Then again...
I don't want to guess ahead of the game.

I just pray it does not go into penalties.

"Hearts are fragile,
Spun like glass...
Yet strong as metal,
But prone to rust..."
-Michilli-

Patience

2008-01-10T10:45:00.000+08:00

Woke up incredibly hungry this morning...
Quite funny, come to think of it...

Got up... Tummy growled...
Looked at clock...
DAMN! Only 6.30am...
Went back to sleep...

Tossed and turned...

Drifted in and out of dreamland...
Thing is... it was a continuous dream...
Church! Of all things...

Tummy complained, looked at clock...
7.45am...
DAMN!
Attempted to sleep again...

Tossed and turned and had the same dream...

I've got this feeling it's a message because I can still hear the words spoken to me.
"... that's why the church is an organisation..."

Anyhow...
Finally decided to hop of out bed at 8.30am to attend to my totally disgruntled tummy.
So impatient...

This will be a week of 'wait-and-see'
Thing is... I'm not much of a 'wait-and-see' kinda person.

This is all about learning NOT to worry about things you cannot change.
And how to channel the focus to other areas that would need it more.
Patience...is a virtue...

Lost the Ball

2008-01-08T20:53:00.000+08:00

Play was so quick that there was hardly any time to have fun...

Damn...

I have to give it to the NYP team.
They worked relatively seamlessly, and had a really sharp GK.

Think I did badly... made quite a few mistakes...
Gosh...
There were times when I actually lost sight of the ball!
I stared till it just disappeared from my range of vision!
I promise you, I was focused, but just lost the ball...

Oooo... RP tomorrow...
Already feeling the heat.
Garh...

Feel

2008-01-07T13:38:00.000+08:00

Feel like blogging...
Really I do...

But too freakin nervous about the coming match with NYP.

Come to think of it...
Feel like clubbing too...

And I've been swearing too much.
Gonna try to cut down...
Cold turkey?
Nah...
I mean... it's effective when used correctly. :p

Doubles...

2008-01-01T17:20:00.000+08:00

Happy New 2008!

I love this year because it's a year of doubles for me...
See...
I turn 22 on 2008/2008
Get it?
20/08/2008

Anyway... I've got many expectations for myself this year.

I've grown so much in 2007.
I wonder what 2008 will bring.

I'm going to take it slow though.
Learnt a long time ago that having a strong foundation is important.
So...
It'll take a nice long while to build the foundation of the rest of my life...
Meaning...
Things like...
Studies, Character, My walk with God, Friendships, Relationships, Health...
Not in any ranking order mind you...

I did not set any resolutions this year (I never do)
But I've got quite a lot in mind when it comes to what I want to achieve.
Most will take a whole load of time before I see the results, and it's Instant Gratification versus Delayed Gratification for the most of it.

Ack...
I'm looking forward to 2008
I'll take more snap-shots of life...
That way... I'll never forget who I once was.
That way... It means I mattered enough to have a record.
That way... My dear friends and I can look back 10 yrs from now and laugh.

Happy New Year folks...

Oh Christmas Tree...

2007-12-26T14:38:00.000+08:00

Christmas 2007...
It came and went just like that.
It was probably the busiest but warmest one since... since the year we cousins put up a concert.
(ps: I directed it! Believe it or not...)

Had rehearsals and service in church from 3pm till 9.30pm...
Good fun it was.
Kenneth, Mel and Yogi joined Prissy and I at SLC.

You know... the best part of the night came when Jiawen, the newest addition to SLC accepted Christ that night.
How can there be more perfect a time to accept Christ than on the eve of His birthday?!
Beautiful!
And it's a date you'll never forget.

Another bit of news...
Prissy's Papa has finally accepted Christ too!
I'm so happy for her family!
Not to mention touched!

Prissy... let's continue to grow in Christ! He's never failed us yet.
All you people out there...
I invite you along on this wonderful journey.
It's so much more fun if you travel it with friends.
Please contact me if you want to give it a go.
It'll be the best thing you do ever... this I promise you.

This is one of those times you KNOW God is working in your life.
He is really present in all situations.
He guides and He blesses.

I feel so loved.

I've got some pictures to put all that's been happening...

On Christmas Eve in Church... The Ladies...

The rest of Us...

Post-Mission Gathering at Dawn's place
These are polaroids!
Hence the effect!

Funky-faces
Come closer....

Cheers!

Happy Christmas ya'll!

Finding A Lost Friend...

2007-12-14T10:44:00.000+08:00

I've taken my keeper helmet apart and soaked the sponge and foam in anti-bacterial solution.
I'm going to scrub the insides till I'm satisfied.
I'm going to polish the outside till it's the brightest thing on court!

*Sigh*
Time is flying by too quickly.
IVPs are 2 weeks away!
It's crazy!
Sometimes it's hard to find yourself in the bustle of daily living.
I find myself not being able to do what I love.
In fact, I've been losing sight of what I love to do in my spare time.
It's almost like I'm conforming to 'The Things A Student Does" role.

On hindsight, maybe students do what they do because of the constraints on their time and their resources.
So... it might not be due to passion, but due to lack of other options within the constraints.

Ah well...

I need some help.
On my way back from Chiang Mai, I met a special someone.
He gave me a bible verse to keep in mind Joshua 1: 8-9.
He later gave me a book, 'The Prayer of Jabez', which I'm reading in stages.
All I have is his name, Colin Bartlett, from Perth, Australia.
How do you suppose I can get in contact with him enough to send him a letter?

Sorrows Die Hard

2007-12-11T11:02:00.000+08:00

It started with a sniff.
Escalated to a tear.
Before I knew it,
Shoulder-wreaking jerks shook the floodgates for tears loose.
It drizzled, then poured, then flooded and washed.
My tears cleared my mind, the blessed water drowned the pain and revealed what was behind the mud of sorrow - Hope.

I never thought this mission would be such a heart-breaking journey.
Never guessed it would result in rapid ageing of the mind and soul.

In short, it was painful growth.
Necessary... but painful...

Up and Away!

2007-11-26T09:51:00.001+08:00

Baptism...

Used not to see the significance of it.
Now... my stand is not that different, in the sense I see it as a public proclamation of being a Christian...
And...
It's a committment to God. A promise.

Well... I still think you don't have to get baptised to be all that.
Only thing is...
Mention 'Baptism' to any Christian anywhere in the world, and you know you guys speak the same language.
Gee...
Talk about globalisation.
Christianity seems like the original factor for a homogeneous culture and the beginning of globalisation eh?

Anyway...
I'll be flying off for a mission trip from the 3rd of December.
1 full glorious week away from whatever has been happening... well... kinda...
I don't know...
I'm not too worried about the mission itself because I have supreme faith in God bringing us through the whole thing.
I'm just nervous about whatever I'm leaving behind in Singapore.

Faith > Hope > Love

It is only by Faith we have Hope, and by Hope, comes Love.

Turning back

2007-11-24T19:58:00.000+08:00

In times like these...
I feel like turning back to alcohol.

Really I do...

Gawd...
Screw it...

Sing Me Sweet, Sing Me to Sleep

2007-11-22T10:27:00.000+08:00

55. - If I were a butterfly
64. - Is your burden heavy
18. - Did you ever talk to God above
1. - Abba Father
43. - Father I thank you

Those are songs most popular way back in PLMGPS....
Well... popular to Ess and I anyway.

I felt weird yesterday... really weird.
I sang myself to sleep.
Not too loudly of course.
On and on it went.
Don't know what time I finally managed to get some shut-eye but I turned the lights off at 2+am... yeah...
Fell asleep with the guitar on my bed actually...
Thank goodness it stayed on it, though it would have given me a reason to buy a new one if it fell off and shattered.

Priorities Responsibilities Obligations Duties Commitments Owing Promises Proclamation Declaration Trust Faith

All scary scary words at the moment that are so important... like it or not...

Oh... It's been literally years since I've had an attack of the hiccups.
A tiny chilli-padi chunk, lodged itself in my throat and burnt my record.
But it lasted no more than 4 hiccups...

Peace

2007-11-18T22:33:00.000+08:00

Life is peaceful...

Busy... oh heck yes... Very Busy...
But somewhat peaceful.

Why?

Haha... I don't know man...
And NO... I'm not high or anything...

The good thing is that I no longer have to resort to alcohol to forget all trouble and be happy.
That can only be a good thing.

I do yearn to hit that high though...
And dance the night away...
Soon... hopefully...

OH Gawd....

2007-11-17T01:34:00.000+08:00

Ok...
I've just googled myself and found my blog...
HA!

Not that I don't want people reading what I write, but... it's just plain weird.

Really...

Alrighty... I've just NOT done my law assignment...
Maybe I'll get round to doing it eventually...
But...
Not today... Nope...

Forever Grateful

2007-11-15T10:28:00.000+08:00

I've been so blind!

You've been protecting me all along!
I know I've got a whole load of growing to do, but you're been looking out for me.
I feel so silly, so loved, so protected!

I'm forever grateful to you...
I really am.
I'm sorry if I ever doubted you.
I'll listen in future.

I wish I could give you a hug right this instant!
But then again...
You're always with me... aren't you?

Not Again...

2007-11-05T17:04:00.001+08:00

I was struck by this sudden fear.

I don't know what to think...
I don't now know how...
I don't know what it means...

My heart and mind are racing in-sync...

I fear it might mean something...
I don't want to feel this way!
I don't!

At times like this, I feel like such a coward...

Altruism

2007-10-25T09:58:00.000+08:00

Blogging only happens when I have nothing else to do other than think about what would make an interesting read...
I don't usually just blog about what happened in the day in which I've just lived.
Some people do, but sometimes, reading those posts... I ask myself... "Is my life so dull that I have to read into another's life just so entertain myself?"

Been questioning 'Altruism' quite a bit...

In layman terms: the total opposite of being selfish.
Apply that to social psychology, and it's the willingness to help others without any concern for personal gain. (In fact, it's potential personal loss)

I was 'brought' up not to justify why helping others is a good thing.
In fact, come to think of it, I've never asked for a reason why I should help someone else.
The earliest answer I can recall to a 'why?' is "Because it's good"
Nope... never did question why is was simply 'good'.
Just took it as 'expected, compulsory' behaviour.
Never did see a reason not to help someone else.

We all learn by example, and I did... from my Dad.
Ever since I can remember, he'll help other people without any external agenda.
Just like a faithful Golden Retriever.

If I had to give it a term, I'll say he helped people because he had faith in those he helped, that they would not take advantage of his selfless efforts.

I'm going to call him up to tell him I love him...

I suddenly feel like I can do anything.
It's a matter of whether or not I want to get off my arse and start.

Don't get me wrong...
It's not that I've got ample time with nothing to do.
I just feel safe and strong now, you know... Confident.
I think I've proven and finally convinced myself that I'm able so long as I've got the Bible in one pocket and my handphone in the other.

This feels good...

Young Adults Cell Group

2007-10-22T23:38:00.000+08:00

OMG!!
Lynn teleported in there and I joined them via satellite!
I've never regretted a hangover so much...
Haha...
And it's actually on the Church's website!!!!
Dammit!

We should take another one though...
This is happily outdated already...
:)

Why Do You Drink?

2007-10-22T09:47:00.000+08:00

Someone asked me that at Zouk.
I remember being high enough not to think too hard and drunk enough to use that as an excuse for not answering properly.

Now, being completely sober...
I can attempt to answer.

I drink because I'm thirsty.
Wait... I'm not being my usual crappy self.
It's what I'm thirsty for...
A few months earlier, I drank to get drunk enough to forget why I was unhappy.
I drank, so I could find that bliss you feel when you're not thinking and your mind is focused only on what's in front of you.
I drank, so I could easily convince myself that I was happy, that nothing else in the world mattered except being happy there and then.
I drank for the moment, to live in the moment.
Am I making sense?

Maybe I need some alcohol to explain myself properly...

Anyway...
Now... I drink so I can get that same high I miss so much.
But now... it's less intense.
There's more control...
Then again, maybe it just takes more to get me drunk.
Nah...
I'm more content now.
I'm more settled now, so long as I'm not pressured to answer certain questions.

So now...
I drink to have fun.
That's not too bad is it?

I feel like dancing...
I miss ballet...

SIMply mates...
Scoopies galore!

Smiles all around please!

Motivation

2007-10-15T13:17:00.001+08:00

One word to describe my day at Sentosa?

SHIT!

Nah... not literally...

Most of the ladies there had bodies that made the sand hotter than it already was!
OMG!
I'm so gonna work out...
Vanity vanity...
Well... it's worth it.

Um... anyone wants to go there soon?
Give me a call...

GTH!

2007-10-11T23:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes...

You just have got to know your own self-worth and scream to the rest of the world...

"SCREW YOU!"

That's right.
You don't need them idiots who lie...
You don't need them to know you're alright...
You don't need them judging you...

The only 2 that matter is God and yourself.

At least I'm telling myself that...

So Good

2007-10-01T20:01:00.000+08:00

I woke up today with the realisation that Life is GOOD!

I have my schedule sorted out now and I've set aside time for

- Classes
- Work
- Family
- God
- Friends
- Myself

(of course, all those above in random order...)
Yeap... I am content.
Very at peace with myself.

But of course...
Note that something is missing from the list...
Floorball...
Mom and Pop are right...
It takes up a whole load of my time.

I'll have more stuff coming up soon...
For sure...
Some are activities I actually want to add and some I have a responsibility to add.
I'm amused at how one's priorities change so frequently and quickly and yet some priorities never seem to change.

Just what do we base our priorities on?

It's so situational.
At least mine are...

Ahh... but... Life is Great... Life is Good...
At least for now...

And You Ask Why?

2007-09-26T23:03:00.000+08:00

Half the time...
Things don't go the way we want them to.
All too often...
People make requests of us that we are relatively unwilling to meet.

I love being generous,
Just to share my joy with others.
I love helping,
Just to see the smile on another's face.
I love assisting,
Just to ensure that things run as close to perfect as possible.

Basically, I want to always be there for you...

But...
It gets really trying to be taken for granted.
Who wants to feel unappreciated?
Who yearns to feel unimportant?
Who hungers for the feeling of being ignored?

I know you need someone now...
I know no one else is available...
I know this is important for your confidence.

But

I don't want to feel what I don't want to feel either.
So...
How now brown cow?
Make do alright?

Flairing

2007-09-24T22:49:00.000+08:00

5 Drinks... 1 Session
From left...

Hoegaarden, Singapore Sling, Red Wine, Uhm.. some cucumber&potato thing, Forbidden Apple and Tom Yam Martini

Goodness.... Got quite high, but not as high as if I drank some beer... (ps: Hoegaarden was Alvin's)...

Left B&J after closing around 12.30am...
Went on to Quarubar with Ed and Alvin, with the intention of only having ONE cocktail and watching them flair...
Ended up staying the whole night Flairing with them
(yea!! Till about 5.30am!!)

It's Brilliant fun!
I can do a few tricks already! (okok.. not perfectly...YET)
Looking around for empty alcohol bottles now...
Pass any you might have and might not want to me alright?

ps: does not have to be totally empty la... heh...

Gut-feeling

2007-09-12T00:11:00.000+08:00

I used to be really good with following my gut-feeling about something...
You know... the whole... instinct thing..
Not only that, when I do follow them, more often than not, the decisions made, based on it, are right.
When did I start doubting myself?

It's not arrogance...
I'm always grateful for advice and open to criticism.

But...
I think it's high time my own opinions counted.
Time for a more confident and self-assured me!

Hell Yea!
I am Leo!
Hear me Roar!
(oh boy...)

Sometimes I Wonder...

2007-09-03T11:45:00.000+08:00

Is everything really about passion?

Again, disappointment over my performance against NUS Callistans.
Was it a match I thought we could win?
Not really... but I thought we could still Draw.

Some reflections...
I started stretching, focused and confident, already visualising potential shots-on-goal and how I would move to save those.
I lost that focus during the 'goalie warm-up'.
I can choose to blame a couple of things that happened during that time where I might have lost it, but really... those are just excuses.
I should be mentally stronger than that.

Period 1
The team fought hard, stepping up to the ball-carrier and refusing to let them shoot.
We finished this period, tired, with no goals on both sides.

Period 2
This time, my loss of focus cost my team.
There was a slight tussle and a physical clash, resulting in 2 players falling.
I waited for a whistle that never came and someone took this opportunity to shoot.
When the ball slipped in... Honest to God... I felt so much anguish and regret, I wished that I could say 'One more time...One more chance... This time it won't go in'... just like in training...
But we know things don't work like that.

It was downhill from there, as my lack of focus showed...
I tried to psych myself up, but... I don't know...
It's really easier said than done to pull yourself out of a sudden confidence-shattering, heartbreaking moment.

Period 3
I think I played my best this period.
A couple of multiple saves at a time.
I think it had to do with the fact that it was the last 20 minutes to draw, at the very least...
We fought relatively hard, but honestly... we're just not quite there yet.

It was a very costly lesson.
My biggest fear... every single match... is to let in goals, obviously, but also, that I would disappoint my team.
That's why I'm working so hard as a GK.
That's why I'm going for runs.
That's why I'm attending other trainings.
That's why I'm trying to make as many matches, be it guys or girls, as possible.
That's why I've got constant questions for anyone who might be able to help.

Reality check...
I'm not physically intimidating as a GK, so, I've got to compensate.
How?
With speed.
With mental strength.
With flexibility (both physical and psychical).

I'm so exhausted... but I suddenly feel like I've got no right to be...
For those who have encouraged me so much.
It's helping...alot... Thanks.

Perfect Love

2007-08-27T15:05:00.000+08:00

You need realistic people around you.

I'm so grateful for friends who keep me grounded.

Prissy?
I'm forever grateful that God blessed me with your friendship.
Aunt Y might not have been right when she said I was to guide you in your spiritual walk with God...
You've been guiding me these few times.
You've been my motivator, my encouragement and my assurance.
I see now where I went astray and I'm thankful.

Essie?
I think I've lost count of the number of times you've been my support...
Wait... was it 100-million times? No no... more like a bazillion-million-and-one times...
Be it whining over a broken nail (gawd.. 'bimbo!!') to crying over emotionally-written letters...
You've never complained, never lost your stamina, never been impatient and never left me alone.
What else can I say except to tell you that I'll always be there for you too.
You have a Bestie in me!

I've got many other people to personally thank.
I've got a whole lot of blessings more to count.
Recent tragic events have woken me up to the fact that youth and health is not perpetual.
No one is immortal or indefatigable.
That's why it's never wise to rely on your own strength.
That's why God put other stronger people in your life.
In fact, that's why He put you in other people's lives as well...
Don't challenge the Creator...
Just have some faith already.
Don't take Him for granted.
Don't take what He gave/gives you for granted.

I'm still on my way to understanding myself.
My loves, likes, strengths, weaknesses...
Still seeking to discover my place in the world and God's purpose for me in this place.
All I ask for is wisdom, strength, patience and guidance.
Also... the ability to have perfect Faith to accept wholeheartedly wherever you may lead me.
You know best.
I know less.
I trust You...

Fellow Scoopys

2007-08-17T10:07:00.000+08:00

I've got great people around me.
People who care.
People who love.
People who pamper.
People who listen...

It's no secret that I've sprained my wrist...
What did fellow scoopys at Ben&Jerry's do?
They pre-shaped the ice-cream so I would not have to use brut force to do it.

My birthday is coming up...
What did fellow scoopys at Ben&Jerry's ask me to do?
Bring an extra outfit to work...

Oh Boy...

Health-i

2007-08-07T10:33:00.000+08:00

AND...

New fitness regime coming up...
Honestly... it's more of a Confidence Regime.
I miss having the inner confidence whereby you are so fit that you know you can outrun people, are more agile than others, know that you look good...etc...

I used to feel like that, so much so that I wished that someone would do a snatch theft on me and I'll run after that bugger and hammer him or her...because I know I can...

SO...
It started this morning.
Got out of bed at 7.15am and ran to McRitchie's Fitness corner A and back home.
Total distance covered... According to route markers... About 3km.
Not too far, but it's just a start.

McRitchie is great...
Wildlife and all...
BUT
While at the fitness station doing sit-ups and push-ups and all that torturous stuff...
A monkey sneaked up on me and stole my water bottle!
It just snatched my blue bottle off the bench!
Then a group of American tourists just stood around laughing and taking photographs and asking me rhetorical questions.
So much for encouragement...

I'm going to run like that every Tuesday and Thursday.
Before work.
I could and I should.
3km... is still a distance.
And... it's bloody brilliant for me already because I have something against running.

Thinking of changing my diet too.
Maybe lose some unnecessary weight.
Breakfast would be fruit.
No rice (I'm already not eating rice)
No carbonated sweet drinks.
No white sugar...
Think I'll be able to survive on this diet?

It's going to be tough.
But to look good and to up my game...
I'm willing to try.
Might try gym too... Not that I know what to do there...as of yet...

GARH!!!
Healthy living!
Here I come!

Time to Be Still

2007-07-30T19:06:00.000+08:00

BUSY = Being Under Satan's Yoke

Yes I've been busy...
In fact, it's been crazy and very unhealthy.

Physically : Insufficient sleep and I rely on foods high in glucose, just to keep moving.

Mentally: I'm stoning in the middle of conversations and tend to go, "Sorry, come again?"

Spiritually: I've been neglecting my role as CGL... I've come up with a million and one excuses to justify my poor performance, but honestly... They're all poor excuses for an excuse...
Been falling asleep during service too... Not to mention procrastinating and forgetting my QT...
I'm so sorry Lord...

Emotionally: Wellll... I don't know... I think I'm doing fine for now... But when I sit myself down to think about it... I think I'm just running away from stuff...

What have I been busy with... You ask?

Work-wise...
It's been tough, but it ain't a chore.
One Saturday was simply nuts... (pun not intended)
After having a Floorball League Match (which we WON!) in the morning, it was off to work till 3+am!! And I had Church service the next day too...
By the way, I'm a Scoopy at Ben & Jerry's...at Dempsey Hill!
My job is to ensure you get the BEST ice-cream experience in the world!
So... drop-by sometime...
Tue - Thurs (11am - 5pm)
Weekends... it really depends...

I know what I must do.
Clear instructions I had gotten in fact...

Sit...
Pray...
Sort out my life...
Basically... Be Still and know He's God...

One thing I could do less of....
Clubbing...
Although I really want to...
I've got to get the important stuff settled first.

Time for family...
Time for church family...
Time for rest...
Time for understanding...
Time for nature...
Time to reflect... (no mirrors involved!)
Time to be content...

It's time to Prioritise baby!! (no discrimination intended...)

What if I Stumble?

2007-07-27T13:26:00.000+08:00

[the greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is christians who acknowledge jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.]

"Is this one for the people?
Is this one for the lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame

Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need your love in their lives
Compromise is calling

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose
On the narrow road youve carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar

Do they see the fear in my eyes?
Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise
All the doubt Im feeling

What if I stumble?
Everyones got to crawl when you know that
Youre up against a wall, its about to fall
Everyones got to crawl when you know that

I hear you whispering my name [you say]
My love for you will never change [never change]

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my god..."

-D.C Talk-

This Will Kill

2007-07-20T10:39:00.000+08:00

What will kill?

It'll be the lack of sleep that will kill me I tell you...
It's not that I've got not enough time to nap.
It's not exactly forced late nights (although clubbing does not help here).

It's my BODY-CLOCK!

For some weird reason, I've been getting up at 7.30am - 8+am every single morning.
This, regardless of what time I go to bed.
Take for example, 2 nights ago.
I went to bed at 6.15AM and still got up at 8+AM...
And...
That very night, went to bed at 1AM, only to get up this morning at 8am...

I'm so physically tired...
Mentally... still wanting to get things done.
I can feel my body preparing a rebellion though...

This is so not healthy...

Missing You...

2007-07-19T13:46:00.000+08:00

Have you ever missed someone so much that you just stopped in your tracks, literally, and physically craved their presence?

Have you craved for something so much that it invades your day-dreams and nights?

I know I have...

Anyway...
Got stopped at a Traffic Police Road Block last night...

Was just telling Mel how much I wanted to be stopped...
Then it happened!
Thank Goodness I totally stayed off alcohol...
I know a little won't be bad, but it's just a promise I made to my Dad and to myself.
When driving, DON'T DRINK!

How the whole night of no-drinking went?

Started at Zouk...
The Mambo music and crowd was not good.
Just was not feeling it.
In fact, was not feeling anything.
Where did all the good-looking people go?

Then since Phuture was packed...
Off we went to MOS...

Honestly... it was not that great either...
Music was erratic, with the good stuff coming in gobs, then going just as quickly.
BUT
It was Mel's and Prissy's 1st time at both Zouk and MOS!
Haha...
Wished it would have been better, but at least it's something.

I miss you...
But my priorities should lie somewhere else for now...
My time is no longer mine to dictate.
I've dedicated it to someone who knows so much more than I do.
I feel safe now...

El - Shaddai

2007-07-17T14:19:00.000+08:00

My new favourite Song...

El-Shaddai

El-Shaddai, El-Shaddai [means "God Almighty, God Almighty"]
El-Elyon na Adonai [means "God in the highest, Oh, Lord"]
Age to age, You're still the same
By the power of the name.
El-Shaddai, El-Shaddai
Erkamka na Adonai [means "We will love You, Oh, Lord"]
We will praise and lift You high
El-Shaddai

Through Your love
And through the ram,
You saved the son of Abraham.
Through the power of Your hand,
Turned the sea into dry land.
To the outcast
On her knees,
You were the God
Who really sees.
And by Your might,
You set Your children free

Through the years,
You made it clear,
That the time of Christ
Was near,
Though the people
Couldn't see
What Messiah ought to be.
Though Your Word
Contained the plan,
They just could not understand,
Your most awesome work was done
Though the frailty of Your son.

El-Shaddai, El-Shaddai
El-Elyon na Adonai
Age to age, You're still the same
By the power of the name.
El-Shaddai, El-Shaddai
Erkamka na Adonai
I will praise you till I die
El-Shaddai

This by Amy Grant - The Collection 1986
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-EGzskcdp0
Check it out...

Name Game

2007-07-15T23:41:00.000+08:00

M : best kisser ever.
I : You Are Great in bed.
C : You are really silly.
H : You have a very good personality and looks.
E : Damn good kisser.
L : Everyone loves you.
L : Everyone loves you.
E : Damn good kisser.

T: You're loyal to those who love you.
A : You Like To Drink.
N: You like to drink.

S : Easy to fall in love with.
U : You really like to chill.
-
Y : Best g/f b/f anyone could ever ask for.
U : You really like to chill.

Haha!
You try!

A : You Like To Drink.
B : You like people.
C : You are really silly.
D : You like to drink.
E : Damn good kisser.
F : You are dead sexy.
G : You never let people tell you what to do.
H : You have a very good personality and looks.
I : You Are Great in bed.
J : People Adore you.
K : You're wild and crazy.
L : Everyone loves you.
M : best kisser ever.
N: You like to drink.
O: awesome kisser.
P : You are popular with all types of people.
Q : You are a hypocrite.
R : You like people.
S : Easy to fall in love with.
T: You're loyal to those who love you.
U : You really like to chill.
V : You are not judgemental.
W : You are very broad minded.
X : You never let people tell you what to do.
Y : Best g/f b/f anyone could ever ask for.
Z : Always ready

Blope...

2007-07-13T13:36:00.000+08:00

Man...
It's been nuts today...

Nope...not so much office work but I spent a majority of my time rushing!!

1st: Rushed to work this morning...
Not because I woke up late or anything, but because I had no space in my room and also... a traffic jam did not help.

2nd: Rushed from work to Dempsey Rd during lunch!
This for an interview with the people at Ben and Jerry's.
I'm not jumping about the pay, but it's not rocket science anyway...

3rd: Rushed back to China Sq...
I think I'll have to clock my lunch time as 2hrs today... Dammit...

I've definitely got to rush home before cell today...
Wonder if I'll get the car...
I'm wondering even harder who will come for cell today.
Sometimes... *sighs in frustration*
I don't know... I see myself getting a little bitter over this.
I really feel a loss of freedom with this position.
It's 'what-I-should-do' versus 'what-I-want-to-do'

Whoever said that we are the 'free people of the world' should really re-think it.
We are bound by rules we don't set.
We are held in check by expectations.
We are kept in line by our own expectations, morality, spirituality and physical ability.

The rules that we set for ourselves are the ones we are most likely to break and the ones that would cost us more heartache to surrender.

Maybe I'm just being emotional this day...
Friday the 13th...
Ah well...
I pray for patience, I pray for strength, I pray...

Granny in the House!

2007-07-12T16:49:00.001+08:00

My Tweety-Granny is staying at my humble abode...
Yup...

The Grand-lady who basically brought me up.
I love her...

Ok...
But staying in a small place does have its disadvantages...
Like...
I can't use my dressing table now because her lounge chair is in the way.
I can't blow my hair dry in my room before work because I'll wake her up.
I can't pick what to wear while throwing my 'have-tries' on the bed in frustration...
I've also lost my bed to her.

Well... it's a teeny price to pay for her company.
I don't really mind...
But...
Something else is bothering me.
In fact, I've been having too freakin much to think about.
It's driving me nuts.

Last night, while thinking about how much I had to deal with, I downed 2 cans of beer.
Now, that terrifies me.
I've never before turned to alcohol to de-stress.
In fact, when I had more to deal with, I actually, physically craved for Chivas...(yes...after the beer!)
That can't be good.

I can't even talk about my issues now.
I don't want to...
Argh...
And I had a dream that felt so so so real.
I can't stop thinking about that too.

Pooh...I don't know...
On the other hand... I think I've become more dedicated to God.
Is that a contradiction or what?!

Hm...
I need food...
Maybe I'll get me a Spring Chicken later... (Honey-glazed...sweeeeeet...)

Often Lost...

2007-07-11T21:35:00.000+08:00

Ducky is right...
I almost always lose my way.

First day of work today and I lost my way to China Square Central.
Alighted only a stop too early and managed to walk a huge round to get to the building that was right behind me.

Driving...
After dropping some friends off at Yishun, managed to get all the way to some really 'ulu' part of Woodlands before speeding past a sneakily parked police car (CRAP!) and getting back to Upper Thomson...
Also, taking about an hour to get to Holland Village (going down from Upper Thomson again...)
Now honestly...

Of course, have to pat myself on the back for having the guts to drive to a place I've never been, armed only with a street directory I can't read and some advice from wiser people.
Should I get lost, I turn the stereo up (to prevent myself from hearing my cussing and swearing), say a little prayer, then following my instincts (they don't call them in-stinks for nothing).
I'll reach my destination in good time.

I just realised today that this is my approach to life.
This 'Let's go' attitude and 'We'll solve the problems when they come' philosophy.
Is it good? Is it bad?
I don't rightly know.

Now, it could be a strength or a terrible weakness.
Suddenly, a whole lot of 'results' from my previous 'actions' make sense.

What do we always hear?
It's the journey, not the destination...
Or something like that...

I'm wiser now.
But not arrogant about it.
Because I sure know a whole lot less than almost everyone else.
But...
I'll have fun trying to find out.
My life...
Is an Adventure......

Easier Said

2007-07-03T02:14:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord,

All that I am, I lay down before you.
Do what you will.
I'm a willing instrument.
I'm a living sacrifice and here I offer you my life.
I trust you.

All that is really easier said than done.
I'm going to try.
Total trust is having no doubts.

It's hard Lord, but I trust you.
Be with me...

Wait

2007-07-02T17:05:00.000+08:00

I'm so relieved...
Actually cried during quiet time last night.
I'm so grateful.

So many things have happened...

I've said 'yes' to something.
Now I'll see where God leads me.

I'll 'wait' as God instructs...
Prissy? I'll tell you about it soon.

The league is starting soon and you bet I'll strive to be one of the best.
Help me to help you people!

My Uncle has just passed away from cancer.
Lungs and liver...

It's going to be a busy week.

I'm grateful for the people around me.
Call your loved ones, give them a hug.
Some things you can wait for, some things you should never let till later.

Safe

2007-06-30T07:54:00.000+08:00

I think there are very few people I feel safe around.
Define 'safe'?

Well, it's that sense of security you get even if you're in a totally new environment.
It's almost like blind faith.
You don't mind messing anything up, simply because you know your mistakes will be thoughtfully corrected and you'll definitely learn something new.
The best part is, you can do nothing bad... nothing will be held against you.
You feel confident about yourself.

Went to Wala Wala with Pissy and Ess basically to watch 'Reverie' perform.
It's probably been a year since I've seen them.
Original Band : Jon, Jaz, Shane, Keith & Eugene
Now: Shane, Keith, Eugene and 2 others I don't recognise.

After Wala, it was off to Dble O to meet up with Donald.
It was pretty fun there.
Yea... the crowd was not the best, but was in no way the worst.
Don't think I've ever seen so many 'wasted' ladies.
Gosh... so unglamourous.
I pray to never get like that.

In any case, I did not drink anything but a Shirley Temple, an Iced Coffee and a Coke.
Why?
I freakin drove.
Got mixed feelings about it.
Regret it because I missed out on all that alcohol...
Love it because it's transport afterall and hey... Got to send Prissy home.
Would have sent Ess home too, just that she had to leave early because of her inflammed eye...
Poor dear...

Congratulate me guys!
I got myself to Bendeemer, Wala, Dble O, Bendeemer then Home!

Ok ok... I had some help...

In any case...

I locked myself out of the house.
Stooooopid.
What to do?
Trudged back to the car and slept in it till morning.
Driving was a blessing after all...

Oww... now my finger hurts...

Decisions...decisions...

2007-06-29T16:53:00.000+08:00

Do you run away from your problems?

How do you pray for a dying man?

Will you really obey God no matter what?

Do you ask for answers and get hurt by it?

These questions are easier answered then acted upon.
Sometimes, there are so very many issues to deal with that you wonder why you don't buckle and break.
It's worse if your issues are of the emotional sort or if it involves the welfare of many others.

I really admire those people who are confident enough not to care how their blunt remarks might affect others.
These people have it easy.
They don't have to deal with self-inflicted emotional trauma.

The rest of us might think we are being diplomatic and nice.
Well... true... diplomatic and nice, but it's self-torture as well.
I'm lucky to have certain people I can safely sound out without having to be too cautious.
They know I mean no harm.
They understand my better intentions.

A whole lot of decisions to make,
A lot of support to give,
A heck load of praying to do.
But... Friends,
God never disappoints. He's faithful through and through.
This I know for sure.

Don't believe me?
Give it a shot.
How?
Ask me.

Waiting...

2007-06-25T00:47:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling a certain way...
It's not the best feeling in the world and I'm definitely grappling with it.

I'm not willing to admit or address it.
I'm not willing to share.

All I can do is pray.
Really.
I'm sorry if I've been too busy to catch up.

I've got to sort all this out first.
Then I'll be more enjoyable company...
Alright?

Wait...

2007-06-11T18:50:00.000+08:00

Someone once said...

"Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
Who calls you back when you hang up on him.
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep."

"Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
Who holds your hand in front of his friends."

"Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you
and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her.""

Sweet... is it not?

Bali-Blasted!

2007-06-09T21:00:00.000+08:00

I've been Bali-fied and I loved it!
Ok...

Sounds corny?

Well... when in Bali, you really don't care how corny things are.

Firstly, because they do grow maize there.

Secondly, you're so lost and alien there that anything stupid said is really forgivable.

Day 1

At the beach with tons of 'business-people' around...

"Mam... manicure? I give you manicure, cheap cheap, come, I do sample..."

"Bead hair? Bead hair? I give you good price, you do"

"Tattoo? Many many pattern"

Except, we were really more interested in the waves...

So we waved those entrepreneurs away......
We visited the art market, which basically gave us the feeling of deja vu because every single shop sold the same thing.

You think at first that those beautiful and really colourful batik sarongs were made by some worthy indigenous woman... until you realise that those sarongs can be found at seasides all over the world.. then you realise that it's really some world-dominating franchise... -_-"

Day 2

This at the Batik factory where they do it all by hand...

Then after a real-life roller-coaster ride down the steep sides of a mountain, it was to the crater of a volcano that last erupted in 1993...

Agriculture there of course because of the top soil...

It was Geography in-action!

Then after million of hours in the car, we managed to get to another seaside for a beautiful sunset...

By the way... I think you can only get to the temple when the tide is low...

Day 3

Into the sea we went...

On a submarine dubbed 'The Odyssey'

Only 2 of those babies in the world and Bali has the only one in South.East.Asia
Beautiful!

I think our diver liked us...alot.

Then it was to a cliff you'd be willing to throw yourself off...

So gorgeous!

Throw yourself from the natural rock-diving-board and plunge into the endless blue that you can see through...

Day 4

This day was all shopping...

Well...

Can't say I loved it, can't say I hated it.

The Shopping Centres were totally humid.

I believe they call it energy conservation.

Gorged myself on A&W and Krispy Kremes though...

Nice...

Day 5

Ok... This day was probably the most adventure-like...
Don't be fooled by the padi-fields...
Uphill we went in an SUV

Downhill we came in a rubber raft!

White-Water Rafting!!!

It was FUN!!!

OMG!

Got quite badly scratched by a fallen branch, but hey, what's a few scratches for a life-time of memories huh?

Had so much fun...

Neck-aching now... honestly...

Owww...

Cam-whoring a little with Guni-face, co-star in almost all the pictures.

Risata... that's where we stayed...

I had good fun.

Certainly I'm more appreciative of all we have in Singapore.

Grateful for my family and my extended family.

There's so much more of the world to see...

I can't wait!

Don't let the little things get to you.

You go see a volcano, maybe take a stroll along a cliff...

And you realise just how insignificant everything else is.

What matters is how you take on the challenges in life.

See the Big picture.

Are those problems going to matter 10 years from now?

Now that's the reason people need to get away once in awhile.

They've got to be reminded why they're working so hard.

They've got to understand that there's life beyond their struggles.

They've got to know that life goes on and the whole world never does stop for you and you alone.

I'm grateful for everything in my life.

Perfect or not, it's all a matter of perception.

Heyy.... I've reflected without using a mirror!

I wonder what the next 20 years will be like......

Be Careful What You Wish For...

2007-06-03T00:31:00.000+08:00

You know that phrase...
Probably heard it about a million and one times...

I've been wishing to get away from it all...
On hindsight...
That very wish has been granted me.

I'll be away in Bali for a week.
Honestly, it seems like a really long time.

I've been asking myself...
Who would I be missing the most?
About 10 names came up, a few in particular I've been missing for a really long time.
Then it occurred to me...
Who would miss me?
That's the true gauge is it not?

I'm going to Bali with an open mind, an open heart and with wide open eyes.
It'll be a good time to reflect.

Body, Mind and Soul.

Will I be changed when I get back?
One thing's for sure...
Whatever challenges left behind in Singapore will not go away.
They'll simply be put 'on hold'.

Good or Bad?

2007-05-31T15:19:00.000+08:00

Ok...Remind me NEVER to club on a public holiday...EVER!
Zouk had a never-ending line that stretched all the way to KL...
Double-O had a crowd comparable to that of ants around a food source,
Finally... MOS had 2 lines that crawled...
I'm still bushed that it cost $20 to vibrate in there.
Music was not that brilliant.*sigh*
I should have stayed home.
Could not even hang out with Donny...

See how pathetic I look? Ess looks happy eh... Ha...

I guess there was good stuff peppered here and there...
Meeting Tiffany, Debbie, Pearlyn and Hilda (the Peter Crouches)...
And seeing Ess is always good.
But still...

I think I'm just in an irritable mood now.

Mercy to those who disagree with me at the moment.

So much to think about, worry about...

So much to do, so little time, so many responsibilities.

I'm starting to see why I thought life was meaningless again...

What's up with me?

Do you really know what's good for you?

If we do, then why do we still insist on choosing things that hurt?

Why do we put ourselves in situations that we know is not the best?

Why do we still 'try and see' when we blatantly know that the end is not going to be a happy one?

Again...

Is this Courage...

or Stupidity?

BESTIE!

2007-05-29T23:16:00.000+08:00

AND...

Finally went out shopping with the best friend any Girl can have...

No... not a dog or a fat wallet...

ASSIELESTAR *sparkles around her name*

So I wanted to get some Rhinestones to decorate some plain-looking sunglasses of mine.

Went to PS, Spotlight and Daiso and got some nice ember-looking stones...
Let's see if I have any sort of decorative flair.

OMG...

I spent more than I intended to today...

Where did all that self-discipline go?

Had the most fun at this little stop at Doby Ghaut...

Don't we look fancy?

Any bigger and we'd look 'blur'

What nationality or race am I?

Of course...

Went back to PL to help with devotion... But that was on Fri, Sat and Sunday...

Ess... Can you stop falling ill pleeze? You're missing out on our 'picture'-perfect life!

It Just Has To Be

2007-05-25T20:18:00.000+08:00

It's got to! It has to!

It'll be a blessing in disguise...

Don't think I've ever been this flustered...
Ok... Maybe I have...

Anyway...
Now I actually understand why bureaucracy is inefficient.
Seriously... simple decisions have to be approved by 'those above'
Nothing gets done quickly.

We had book Republic Polytechnic's Indoor courts weeks in advance...
Planned it all beautifully!
BUT
Ex-coach Gary had to call us this morning to tell us that the RP courts were UNDER CONSTRUCTION!

OMG!
I called almost every available source in search of an available court.
NP, NYP, NTU, NUS, TP, Woodlands Sports Hall...others...
Either they were all booked or they had to be approved from 'above'

Hey man... I have friends in high places... In fact, the highest possible.
Do you know who my Father is huh?
He's GOD!

*Sigh*
Feel so bad about changing the training date and venue...
I tried my best...
Really...
In fact, called from 11+am all the way till... 6+pm...
My freshly-charged phone ran out of battery at 6-ish pm...

Had to stuff my face with chocolates to keep alert.

Anyway...
I prayed about it...
And I just know that there is a reason for all this.
The exciting / frustrating part is waiting for the reason to present itself.

Patience is a virtue...

And now...

2007-05-23T14:15:00.000+08:00

After a month of brain-spraining, mind-blowing, eye-shutting study...
It's suddenly over.

What to feel?
Joyful?
Ecstatic?
Free?

Honestly...
I'm feeling lost,
and tired...

Haha... Sucky...

Now there's more to do actually...
Deadlines to meet,
A diet to control,
Trainings to attend,
A competition to win...

Plus about a million events to be super social.

Not gonna be easy...
Ha!
I like... :D

Oh yea... and a holiday to look forward to!
Happy is me :)

Stupid or Daring?

2007-05-22T00:43:00.000+08:00

I have a paper tomorrow...
A theory-based one at that...

6 Chapters...

Dozens of models,
Hundreds of pages,
Thousands of words,
Millions of interpretations...

Yet...

I'm still at chapter 2.

I started studying for this late.
Is that stupidity or daring?

I think it is the first...
Back to work...
Looks like it's another sleepless night...

Take me with you...

2007-05-18T02:15:00.000+08:00

You know what I'd really like?

For someone to take me away from reality for a few hours.

I find that if you don't allow yourself to be impractical and carefree once in awhile, you lose sight of why life is worth living.

But what is being 'away from reality'?

You see... I've not experienced it yet...

Unless... ... ... ...

Hmm... Gotta watch this sometime...

2007-05-17T01:01:00.000+08:00

Which Trainspotting Character Are You?

Hyper-un-globalist

2007-05-15T08:40:00.000+08:00

You know how I get really really (bounce-off-the-walls) hyper with a few sweets or after food?

Smart smart I felt really tired after not sleeping last night...
(All for sociology...)

SO....

Smart smart I went on to guzzle down a can or 2 of Red Bull...

Now I can't sit still enough to study...
I've tried to read my notes, but with your body constantly moving...
Not easy to track the words in a paragraph...
All I can recall is that 'Web'-er is a frog and 'Mead' is a beverage...

Baaaah!
*continues bouncing off walls*

Oh... Did I mention?
*stops bouncing for a second*
I'm Happi-ER...
For some weird reason...
Is that the sugar talking?
Hm... somehow... I doubt...
*Grins and goes back to bouncing*

Don't think I'll pass...

2007-05-13T22:45:00.000+08:00

I should not be online...

Nope... I should be at a desk, loads of rough paper in front of me, doing math...

Why the heck am I here?

I'm blardy nervous.

Had a few 'panic attacks' already.
(you know, when you suddenly think about how much you don't know and get all shaky and sweaty?)

My 'Panic Buttons'?
3 people in particular.
They've never failed me yet...
Thanks Pals... :)

I'm so gonna fail...
Ackk!
Ok...
Panic attack stopped for a bit...
I'll go back to the desk now...

Blog-break

2007-05-06T23:47:00.000+08:00

Quite Numb already...

I'll really just have to cross my fingers (oh k.. maybe my legs coz I'll need to use my fingers to write) and hope for the best...

Ack...

Again I declare... I've never been so unprepared for an exam before!

(Surprise quizzes excluded)

Something to take the stress off...

At Canton Wok with the whole paternal side for Mothers' Day Lunch

And No... they did not serve fast-food...

But kids will be kids eh...

Ha! Total bill... $700++ (and that's discounted)

Best part is... Granny paid! (so much for Mothers' Day eh...)

Oh Gosh...

If only I could turn back time.

I'll be more practical in choosing which course to take...

If only I could turn back time...

I'll do so many things different!

Do I regret the paths I've chosen?

Honestly... no...

Well... maybe...

Ack... I don't know...

It's horrible to look back on life and regret.

I have faith that I'll finally come to understand why certain things happen in life...

I'll finally see the paths prepared by Him!

I'll finally understand why things happened the way they did...

I'll finally know why I should not have any regrets...

(it'll be beautiful to see how your life was mapped out by someone so much greater than anything on Earth --- wonderfully touching)

Can't wait to meet Him...

Maybe I'll cut short the process...

NO... Not by ending my life or anything like that...

But by having faith and not regretting (in advance).

I need Faith...

*picks up phone and dials Faith's number*

Bali Water

2007-05-05T20:06:00.000+08:00

The only thing that keeps me sane at the moment is Bali...

Taking-off to Indo on the 3rd of June

Touch-down in Singapore on the 8th...

Really... it's the only spot in the distance that does not seem to get darker.

*stuffs pillow in face and BLASTS one HUGE SCREAM*

Ahh... all better... for now...
Talk about a health drink (barley water...)

So Sick...

2007-05-04T17:10:00.000+08:00

Yes...
I'm down with the flu...
Ack...
But that's not what I'm 'So Sick' of...

Mainly, the exams are nearing!
Oh...
I love gathering info and learning, but having a deadline to meet (exams) really spoils the fun of it.
Alright... maybe because I'm just not prepared...
I can actually understand why some people would pay others to take their papers for them.
Who cares about self-satisfaction when you're on a deadline!

I'm rambling... Forgive me...

Tried to be a little more feminine...
Did the whole manicure thing...
Clipped, buffed, conditioned, painted...
Then I had to go pick the guitar up and play...
Paint flew right off my nails.

Thought it'd last at least 3 days (since GK training had come to a halt)...
No such luck...

Am I too much of a guy now?
Got mixed feelings about it...
*Sigh*

This post is so random...
Gawd...

Daisy Rock ROCKS!

2007-04-30T23:22:00.000+08:00

Ok...

So I did something 'sinful' and skipped Sunday school to guitar-shop hop with Essie...

See... It was Gospel Sunday and I invited her along.
Worship was alright, but it was really 'cold' after service... Ice ice ice...

Anyway... went over to Parklane Mall and POOF!

Guitars galore!

The majority of the shops were closed but one in particular was not...

Daisy Rock guitars going at 50% off!

OMG! They are all so pretty!!!
Ok.. I'm in no way a good guitarist, but a stylish guitar I can appreciate.

Look...
Might look kiddish, but if I can play it well... Who will dare say anything huh?

It's Atomic Pink by the way...

Since that day, I've checked out the site and found a few models I would LURVE...

Plum Purple Acoustic-Electric

Pink Sparkle Acoustic

Violet Burst Elite

Rock Candy Red Star

I think the Plum Purple is the one I would get...
Oh Gosh...
I'm aching just thinking about it...
Ackkk....

Boo!

2007-04-25T00:23:00.000+08:00

Know why Essie is my Bestie?

Simple really...

She brings out the best in me.

I don't feel as hopeless as I did about the coming exams now...

But this episode sure taught me a lesson...

A lesson I took far too much time to learn...

BE CONSISTENT IN YOUR STUDIES!

So what if you're a geek?

A good honors degree will shut those un-geeks up.

It's Instant Gratification versus Delayed Gratification.

It's Suffer now, Play later...

Play now, Pay later...

*Sigh*

About other things...

I feel a sense of disappointment...

A quiet disappointment...

But once you commit your troubles to God...

You Let Go, Let God.

Have faith.

Don't worry about it anymore...

It's in good hands.

Yes... that IS Faith...

"Jesus take the wheel,

Take it from my hands,

Coz I can't do this on my own,

I'm letting go,

Give me one more chance,

Save me from this road I'm on,

Jesus take the wheel..."

Did I mention that I love Country music?

Reflecting on Life...

Am I saying 'NO!' to God?

2007-04-20T23:17:00.000+08:00

Since as long as I can recall...
I've felt I had a specific calling from God.

It's a consistent nagging deep down inside...
It's something that occupies my mind whenever the subject is brought up...
It's simply...
Becoming a missionary...

I don't mean going on mission trips...
It's more of total dedication to the salvation of countless others.

I've always resisted it.
I know it's not noble.
I know it's selfish.
But I can't bring myself to give everything up.

I want so much more.
Am I saying 'No' to God?
Do I have the right to do that?
Will he put me through something I cannot resist?

It frightens me to think about it.
I don't even dare to pray about it.

Like something else...
I'm afraid of the answer I might get...

Some Hearts

2007-04-19T08:09:00.000+08:00

Hearts are fragile,
Spun like glass,
Yet strong as metal,
But prone to rust

-Michilli-

This came out of the blue in the studyroom...
No wonder poets were generally depressed people.
I need to find a passion to commit to......

Tell me it's alright...

2007-04-17T00:00:00.000+08:00

It's never enough...

Not smart enough,
Not pretty enough,
Not witty enough,
Not patient enough,
Not tall enough,
Not slim enough,
Not sweet enough...

It's just not enough for the 'enuff' monster...

I lost my mechanical pencil and found it impossible to concentrate on my work without it...
Needed it for drawing graphs...
A pen just would not do.

That's alienation for you...

Why we suffer...

2007-04-14T15:20:00.000+08:00

Ever wondered why God put suffering in our lives?

Read this...

Tears on Earth, Rainbows in Heaven

A person, who has never experienced rejection in courtship,
has no right to comfort the broken-hearted.
A person, who has never experienced loneliness,
would not know what it is being lonesome.
A person, who has never experienced defeat,
would not understand the feeling of helplessness.
A person, who has never experienced sickness,
would not know what is misery.
A person, who has never experienced criticism,
would not comprehend the injury caused by ridicule.
A person, who has never cried,
would not be able to comfort the sad.
A person, who has never experienced humility,
would not be able to sympathise with the meek.
A person, who has never been cast aside,
is not deserving of the throne of the accepted.
A person, who has never been subjugated by God,
would not be a suitable instrument for God's use.

Without the Cross, how would there be the crown of glory.

Bottom line being....
God has intended to use the tears on earth to build the rainbows in the sky.
Using us to give hope and comfort to others.
I'm starting to understand and appreciate fully why I've been put through what I've been put through.
I can say now that I'm a more qualified friend...
It qualifies "I understand what you've been through... I know how you feel..."

So... shall we ask for more suffering then?
Shall we be suckers for torture?

Gawd...
The person who wrote this was a real optimist......

Best Un-Spoken

2007-04-14T00:19:00.000+08:00

When in doubt...... Don't.

Frozen in time

2007-04-13T09:31:00.000+08:00

Gu..goo...Good Morning Singapore...
Have you ever thought to not look at the subject of a photograph but to look at those captured in the background instead?
You see...
Posed shots tell you nothing...
Social action theorists will say that the 'self' you portray in the posed-photograph is simply a mask... it does not say anything about how you usually behave.
Then again.... maybe it's just too much sociology on my part...
[Tells you I've been working on sociology right?? : ) ]

Anyway, here are some shots taken and almost forgotten!

Ess and I at the National Stadium waiting for the Singapore vs Thailand match to begin...
Note the people behind us...
Guy on left is most probably a loving Daddy... showering affection on his baby...
Guy on right... well.. let's just say he's 'twisted'...

Was having dinner with Jem at LJS... This just cracked me up...
Please tell me you know why...

Anddddddd...
Thhhat's all the useless news for you today...
This has been Michilli reporting pictorially...

(Gawd... I can't even describe this...)

Till next time...
Say no to drugs!

Personally......

2007-04-09T20:33:00.000+08:00

Do you enjoy doing personality tests?

Seems silly right?
Taking a test set by simply another individual...
Setting yourself to be judged...
Letting someone else define who you are...

Sad fact of the world is...
Is it another person's opinion that really matters...
We are brought up on this fact...
Our parents teach us how to win their praise (and the praise of their friends)
They insist on it, in fact...

Then you go through 10 years of compulsory education...
Again, you've got the rule books...

Heck, even religion defines who we should be like... who we should follow, who we should be...

And 'clever', modern us think that it's now cool not to have any rules.
The very fact that we say
'The only rule is that there are no rules'
already is a rule that we'll follow.

Irony...

I wonder how the first people lived...
No rule book to adhere to...
Adam and Eve had only to follow 'do not eat the fruit from that tree' (or something like that)
What else dictacted how they behaved???

Hm...

OOooo...Yummy

2007-04-09T02:07:00.000+08:00

CHOCOLATE THERAPY!
You scored 81% SWEET, 70% CHUNKY, and 77% UNIQUE!

chocolate ice cream with chocolate cookies & swirls of chocolate pudding ice cream

You, my friend, ooze sweetness, just like this ice cream flavor. But there's much more to you than that...you tend to view things differently than other people and you like to engage yourself in creative, challenging activities. You're spunky, but not too wild, which is nice. Those who understand you tend to get along with you very well, appreciating all that you have to offer...and you offer a lot :)

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on SWEET

You scored higher than 99% on CHUNKY

You scored higher than 99% on UNIQUE

Link: The Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavor Test

VISTA!

2007-04-09T01:11:00.000+08:00

Woot!

Finally back online!
New PC, Endless possibilities!

Ok...
Nothing much to say today...

Except...

Is it so wrong to run away from your problems?
It is strong or weak to take a detour?
Is "Don't kid yourself" such a negative phrase?

At this point in time... I really don't know...

Go for it?
I might... I want to... I'll try... :)

I've got JOY!

2007-03-17T12:05:00.000+08:00

Yes!
I've got Joy that is down in my heart...
Deep, deep, down in my heart!
Jesus put it in there!
And no one can destroy...destroy...destroy!

I don't know if I can fully explain it in writing (you know, without the facial expressions and all), but I'll try to spell out my excitement.

Walking with God had been a challenge, to tell you the truth.
Not getting any answers is very trying.
It really is a test of faith.
But I realised that throughout this journey, He's been guiding me, encouraging me, building me, saving me just when I am about to hit my limit.

How? You ask?

Through other people.
Through reading material,
Through the littlest things He does for me (and we girls just love 'the little things' don't we?)

I only really REALLY saw God's hand in my life through last night's cell group.
OH K...
To tell you the truth, I attended the session worrying about how quiet things might be...
We went through dinner talking about very shallow things, with a whole lot of awkward silences throughout...
But once we got back to church, sat in a circle and started sharing our prayer requests, a kind of warmth started to flow.

I don't know...
Maybe it was the fact that for once, we were seeing each other's weaknesses and realising that we were not alone in going through LIFE...
In any case, that was the spark that got the fire going.
(Whoo-OOOoo)

OH...
We lost the UWC Match, but it was definitely fun...
After endless weeks of no action... it was a dream to play!
Yes...yes... came out bruised and all, but hey... what's a sport without pain eh?
Bin Bin (you've got to like her) was also nice enough to coach me on playing GK.
I've got a long way to go man...
But know this... I'll work my ass off to improve!

I've got so much more to say, but honestly, if I tell any more of it to you, your eyes will just glaze over...
Ask me face-to-face if you want to or something...
Give me a call even...
Ok ok...
I'll stop the torture for now.

TA!

Mock-me-not

2007-03-07T14:45:00.000+08:00

I'M BACK!!!

Not that I've been too far away, but for some weird reason, I can access this page again!

Alrighty....

As you might have heard, I've just had my mocks...
Useless really, unless you want to scare yourself into studying...
I skipped my IBM, Maths and Stats papers...
It's gonna all come back and bite me in the ass someday...
My favourite paper? SOCI!
Not that I'm going to do well or anything...
I walked out after 2 questions.
We were to do 3, but I was too lazy. (Yes ess... lazy)
I was seated at the head of row 3 (really close to the entrance) and basically, saw only 3 familiar faces walk in.
An hour into the paper, crowds of people started walking out of 'The Grand Hall' (yea.. that's where the paper was held)
Super distracting I tell you.
And it did not help that I was seated next to Mr Write-a-lot.
This guy... the minute "you can start writing" came from the chief invigilator’s mouth, he scrambled through the paper, writing, then canceling (we can't use liquid paper or correction tape... Why man??) and then writing again at the speed of sound.
Barely came up for air that one...
He asked for a total of 3 booklets (at least it was 3 before I left).
And he was making so much noise!
It sounded like *scribble..scribble..slash/slash...paper crumpling... paper flipping*
Some overseer went to him and whispered "Relax... it's a 3 hr paper..."
I could not help it... I laughed! (Stopping when the poor guy looked at me with 'I'm sorry' eyes)

Face it Buddy... I'm screwed...
I should have taken something I actually like...
So many many things have happened...
So little time to blog.

Oh... I've taken a 'personality test' thing, but it's a Church version.
It points out where your strengths are and which ministry you might be called into to serve.
Somehow... my results were not what I expected...
It's all with my Pastor now... He said he'll talk to me about it soon.
Meanwhile... Pray...

PS: CNY pics up on Friendster... I have gorgeous cousins...
(Sepia rocks!! [no pun intended])
www.friendster.com/michillitan

It Works!!!!

2007-02-14T10:27:00.000+08:00

OH K!

I've been wanting to post, BUT... Due to technical errors (thanks to Jem), I could not...
Till now anyway... (thanks to mi)

Alrighto... Skipped my ibm mock paper.
I'm not proud of it.
I did study for it, but somehow, I blanked out on the day of the paper.
Decided not to go for it and took a nice comfortable nap.
Woke up realising that I did remember quite a lot.
Saw the exam paper the day after... DANG IT!
I could have passed it!

Anyway... nothing lost... Finals still on the way.

Loads has been happening...
A far cry from a few months ago when I claimed my life was unfulfilled and boring.
Floorball camp coming up this Friday!
I pray it'll run smoothly.
We're SIMply Blacks!

Talk about prayer...
I've always had a problem praying out loud...
If I had to pray when leading worship, I'd rely on writing the prayer down and reading from it.
You see... my prayers are like conversations with God.
Praying out loud makes it... well... like I'm allowing others to listen in to our conversation.
Now with prayer meetings coming up at church...
It's going to be a whole new challenge.
Let's just take it one step at a time.

Argh... I'm just happy that I managed to get the computer running!!
I'm not tech-savvy you see...
Hm...
Just finished reading LKY's 'From Third World to First'.
Need a new book...
Maybe something on QLC...

Thinly sliced...

2007-01-26T21:36:00.000+08:00

I'm studying...

Well... I would be if the space between my index finger and thumb won't hurt so much...

See...
I was preparing dinner.
Slicing up the thick and slightly woody Kailan stems.
The weapon I was using was a recently sharpened samurai sword!
Ok ok... It was a kitchen knife, but it was recently sharpened.

Being lazy, I refused to use a chopping board, so I simply sliced the stems like that...

1. Hold the kailan with the stem up and leaves down.
2. Place the impossibly thin blade in the middle of the stem.
3. Gradually apply pressure till the blade slices into the stem
4. Slide the freakishly sharp blade towards your fingers till the stem is sliced to the leaves.

Of course... application of pressure is difficult to control.

Safety measure?
NONE!
I applied the pressure and apparently applied too much of it.
(Heh... I'm way stronger than I thought I was)
The sharpened piece of steel bit into the stem and straight into my hand!
OWWWW...
Of course, the blood then flowed and I had to stop to console myself.

Now... any rational person would by this time, take out the chopping board and continue to slice the stems without further endangering his or her remaining fingers......

But Noooooo....
Mich had to be different.
I repeated step 1 - 4 for the rest of the stalks, and repeated up to step 5 (the slicing of the hand) a stupid 3 times!!!

*says very dramatically*
Can you imagine the pain I'm in???
*takes a theatrical sniff*
How can I study at a time like that?
*pauses to listen to reader's response*
I can? You're evil...

I'm ALIVE!

2007-01-24T17:31:00.000+08:00

I've been dead for weeks... no... maybe even months...

Someone read from the Egyptian book of the dead and now...

*ROARS*
I LIVE!!!!!!

Oh k... So I've been hardworking enough to have 'caught' a cold.
Better step up the Vitamin-C intake.

It sucks to fall ill at all, but timing matters too.
You see...
It sucks to fall ill before and during the exams...
It sucks even more to fall ill after!

Weather has been pretty decent...

OH GAWD...

Why am I talking about the weather?
Hm...

I can't study at home la...
Too many freakin distractions.
But I don't love studying alone either...
As in... I need people around me. They don't have to talk to me or anything.
Heh... Sheep mentality... Boy do I feel sheepish.

(Can imagine some motivational speaker asking 'So, if they jumped off the cliff, will you follow?')

Actually... Hell YEA!

I'll make sure I'm last to jump though...
Those who've jumped before me will provide a woolly landing...
Also...
Think of all the mutton! *tummy growls*

Know what I'm feeling?

No need to guess (if you haven't already guessed from my entry)

Happy!
In fact... it's not happiness...
It's JOY...

HAHA... YEA! That kind of JOY!